am I in anguish?

Homily

20th Sunday in Ordinary Time C2

St. Lawrence Catholic Campus Center at the University of Kansas

14 August 2022

AMDG

Am I in anguish?

I'm not.  Are you?  Jesus is.

You may have noticed that I'm experiencing a little discomfort. I wish I could tell you that this cut above my left eye was for a noble purpose.  The same for the apparent stigmata on my hands.  You all know me well enough to know I'm not holy enough for a stigmata.  I'm too cowardly to sustain these scars through defending the honor of a friend or the Church.  So I must have done something stupid.  Yes I did.

After three days in Colorado discussing with our students that if we dare to truly see and experience life in all its color and fullness, we need to put down our screens, I pulled my phone out while biking down Vail pass to get footage of one of our students who was screaming down the mountain in a KU Catholic shirt right next to a gorgeous rapid.  This was a very dumb move.  I must have hit the brake with my left hand and before I knew it I went flying over the front handlebars.  At 48, I'm too old for such a spill, but luckily like I always do, even though I'm rarely a safe or careful person, I got away with it.  Just a few scratches.  I landed on my head, but the helmet did its job.

We talked to the students about consequences as well.  Do I love consequences?  Well, I deserved much worse from my careless mistake than I got.  This is the norm for me.  I usually get away, get by and get along.  I always have.  Yet I'm not better for it.  One of our students on the trip said she loved consequences cause she loved getting better.  We all looked at her like she was crazy.

Am I in anguish?  That's the question I want to pivot to now.  Well, if Jesus is, and I'm his disciple, perhaps I should also be.  Not in a joyless or skeptical way, mind you, not in a way devoid of hope or the enjoyment of life.  But yes, in anguish as a default position, to share in Jesus's passion for a baptism of fire, to long to accomplish the great purpose of my life.

To be in anguish is not to be negative, but is to not hide or dampen my deepest desires.  It is to grow weary of tinkering with my life, and to have a great impatience not for the things of God, but for my petty excuses and procrastinations.  As St. Paul says, to be in anguish is to want to accomplish the holy purpose of my life to the point of shedding my blood.

As Jesus makes clear, to be in anguish is the opposite of getting away, getting by or getting along.  It's to be unsatisfied with anything less than the consequences that will lead the the conversion and purification of my soul, that I might have a heart of fire capable of great love.

To be in anguish means that nothing has to go my way today to have a great day, for the fiery baptism of Jesus is disgusted with micro-managed projects of self-improvement, but hungers for so much more, the fulfillment of all desire!  To be in anguish is to welcome the adversity that will purify the spiritual gifts of faith and courage!

Am I in anguish?  Ask yourself this pivotal question!